RUGBY SONGS

INDEX

ALL QUEERS TOGETHER

BALLS

BARNACLE BILL

BOHEMIAN CURRY

CANDLE

CARDIGAN BAY

C'EST LA VIE

CLEMENTINE

CLIMAX

DUREX IS A GIRL'S BEST FRIEND

5, 6, 7, 8

Four and Twenty Virgins

GIMME, GIMME, GIMME

Half past two, and I put my rugby boots on,
And I run on to the pitch,
Just to find there's no-one there at all,
Wrong time, wrong place
I go back to the bar,
I see a million men around me,
Someone here must want me gagged and bound.
Theres not a cock out there,
Can't find one anywhere!

chorus
Gimme, gimme, gimme a shag after closing
Won't somebody help me take my cherry away?
Gimme, gimme, gimme your hot throbbing truncheon,
Take me in the morning, and the rest of the day.

Kinky, kinky, I'm handcuffed to the beer pumps,
He gets out his whips and chains,
Can my unused hymen take the strain?
In, out, in, out,
He takes me up to climax,
Just to find my super tampax,
Oh my God, how long has that been up there?
He's got his cock up there,
And answered all my prayers!

chorus

GOOD SHIP VENUS

It was on the good ship Venus
My God you should have seen us
The figure-head was a whore in bed,
The mast was a rampant penis.

Frigging in the rigging, tossing on the crossing
Wanking on the planking, there was f'**k all else to do

The captain's first name was Slugger,
He was a dirty bugger
He wasn't fit to shovel shit,
from one place to another.

chorus

The first mate's name was Cooper
By Christ he was a trooper
He jerked and jerked until he worked,
Himself into a stupor

chorus

The captain's randy daughter,
Was swimming in the water
Delighted squeals revealed that eels
Had found her sexual quarter

chorus

The Bo'sun's name was Lester,
He was a fanny tester
Through hymens thick he shoved his pr**k
And left it there to fester

chorus

A homo was the purser,
He couldn't have been much worser
With all the crew he had a screw,
Until they yelled "Oh no sir!"

chorus

The second mate's name was Andy
His balls were long and bandy
They filled his a*** with molten brass
For coming in the brandy

chorus

The ship's dog's name was Rover
The whole crew did him over
They ground and ground that faithful hound,
From Singapore to Dover

chorus

The cooks name was Freeman
He was a dirty demon
He fed the crew on menstrual stew,
And hymens fried in semen.

chorus

The end of this narration
Came in jubilation
For they sunk the junk in a sea of spunk,
Caused by masturbation.

chorus

So now we end this serial
Through sheer lack of material
I wish you luck and freedom from
Diseases venereal.

chorus

I know a team that likes to win...la,la,la,la,la!
Blue and Gold are the colours we're in...la,la,la,la,la!
So! Shit on the ceiling, shit on the floor,
Shit on the windows, shit on the door,
Shit all over the opposition...la,la,la,la,la!

I know a team that like to lose...la,la,la,la,la!
Opposition colours are the colours they choose...la,la,la,la,la!
So! Shit on the ceiling....etc

For the GIRLS...

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
By the ugly wanker that was lying by my side
I would've drunk a little less, I would've tried to keep my head
If I'd known for just one second, I'd be in your crusty bed....

I tried to go, walk out the door
But I laughed so hard at your small knob that I've fallen on the floor
Yours butts a pimply mess, it's just a broken-out disgrace
But I'd rather look at that, than at your f**king ugly face!

I want to go, I've got to leave
Your talk of chicks and football really makes me want to heave
I only know I've got to stop my drinking spirits and the beer
Cos when I looked at you last night, you looked just like Richard Gere!

I can't believe, that we both shagged
You should be wearing concrete shoes or simply bound and gagged
I'm f**king off right now, I'm jumping on the f**kin' train
And I'm not stopping til I'm home and washed your greeblies down the drain

Please let me go, I feel quite sick
We had the worst sex in the world and you're an ugly prick
I should have shagged your gorgeous mate, at least he's got a lovely flat
But no I go and trust the booze and now I'm stuck with you, you twat

It's time to go, run out the door
You look so ugly, it should really be against the law
I'm going to give up all the booze, I'm going to have no stupid fun
Coz waking up beside your mug, just makes me want to be a nun

I WILL SURVIVE.... I WILL SURVIVE!!!

For the BOYS...

At first I was afraid, I was petrified
By the ugly slapper that was lying by my side,
I would've drunk a little less, I would've tried to keep my head
If I'd known for just one second you'd assault me in your bed

I tried to go, walk out the door
But you've been sitting on my legs and I can't feel them anymore
And now you're sitting on my face, my nose has vanished - not a trace
I only hope that you're big knickers are not made of liquorice lace

I want to go, I've got to leave
Before your fat and naked body makes me want to up and heave
I only hope that no one saw me walking home with such a slut
Oh God the things that you get up to when you get yourself half cut

I can't believe, I'm lying here
It's all cos of that f**king evil drink that we call beer
You can sod your beer goggles shit, I must have been blind
To mistake that Hoover dam for a sexy young behind

Please let me go, I'm getting scared
There's nothing I can do to stop those ugly breasts from being bared
I think I must have been mad, God what made me want to court her
With tits that look like Tesco bags I've just filled up with water

It's time to go, run out the door
She's started hinting she wants sex upon her dirty lino floor
I don't think there's anything worse
Than the al-co-hol-lics curse

I WILL SURVIVE, I WILL SURVIVE, I WILL SURVIVE!!!

If I were the marrying kind,
Which thank the Lord I'm not, sir,
The kind of man that I would wed
Would be a rugby… Prop, Sir
Prop, Sir?
Oh, I'd support a hooker, you'd support a hooker
We'd all support a hooker together.
We'd be all right in the middle of the night,
Supporting hookers together.

chorus

Scrum Half, Sir
Scrum Half, Sir?
Oh, I'd put it in, you'd put it in,
We'd all put it in together.
We'd be all right in the middle of the night,
Putting it in together.

Lock: I'd sniff butt…
Number 8: He'd split cheeks…
Flanker: I'd hold it in
Stand-off #1: He'd whip it out
Stand-off #2: I'd pass it on
Center: I'd put it out, you'd put out, We'd all put out together
Winger: I'd get none
Fullback: I'd find touch, you'd find touch, We'd all touch each other
Referee: He'd f**k me, I'd f**k him, We'd all get f**ked together
Groundsman: He'd trim bush
Goal Post: He'd stand erect
Referee's Whistle: I'd get blown
Water Bottle: I'd get sucked
Rugby Boot: I'd get smelly
Ball: I'd get pumped
Half time orange: I'd get sucked
Spectator #1: I'd get wet
Wet Weather Spectator: He'd come in rubbers
Fair Weather Spectator: I'd come again

We've come on the Leo's bus,
Linzi, Helen and Us,
Around this old town,
We did roam (we did roam),
Been drinking all night,
Got into a fight,
I feel so pissed up,
I want to go home.

O' hoist up the Leo's flag,
We're all up for a shag,
We're winning (losing) all of our games
Let me go home
Let me go home
Let me go home
I feel so pissed up
Let me go home!

The Captain's a wicked woman (yes she is!),
Gets drunk whenever she can (and she does!),
When on the pitch she wants to play all the ball,
She kicks it around,
Where we can't be found,
Well, I feel so pissed up,
I want to go home.

chorus

The forwards - they got tight (yes we did!),
And they got into a fight (yes we did!),
The referee had to come and drag them away,
They ruck and they maul,
And win all the ball,
Well, I feel so pissed up,
I want to go home.

chorus

The backs are a bunch of girls (yes we are!),
All lipstick, perfume and curls (yes we are!),
They don't give a damn 'bout passing to me,
They pass it out wide,
And score all the tries,
Well, I feel so pissed up,
I want to go home.

chorus

This is the best trip,
I've ever been on (I've ever been on).

We are the Leo's Ladies Rugby Club, no f**king use are we,
The only time you'll see us running, is when we're on a spree.
And when the rugby match is over, you'll hear a mighty cheer,
We are a loud mouth bunch of bitches, the piss heads of the year!

We've got a reputation, for being slags and tarts,
For raping men and little boys, and doing fanny farts!
We're a loud mouth bunch of bitches, biggest tits you'll ever see,
We're the girls in gold and navy, we're Leo's R.F.C.!

Hockey girls are cocky, and netball girls - they suck,
And as for Football Women, they'll never get a f**k,
We, are the best in our division, and there's no-one to compare,
Coz, we are Rugby Women, come and fight us if you dare!

From the shores of Aberystwyth, to the mountains of Fiji,
We will spread our share of syphillis, Gonorrhea and V.D.,
We are the perverts of our nation, the biggest shits you'll ever see -
We are the lowdown scum of the Universe, we are the girls from Leo's Ladies!

Some say that we are players
Some say we're into porn
And we've been playing rugby
Since the day that we were born
We won't slow down
Till we fall down
Run around in circles
With a cocky attitude
And Estelle gets her kit off
Coz we all know she is rude
Her pants come down
And we fall down

We got Leo's directing our fate
And our periods will be late
Coz the truth is that we're all shit-faced
Coz we're on tour...

Live for rugby action
Detox for Mondays
Overdose on Wednesdays
Smokes in Amsterdam
My friends are all so wonderful
Refuse to give up booze
We all enjoy our rugby
Coz we know we'll never ever lose...

Come and have a go if you think you are hard enough (x2)
We're on tour (x2)

And when you come you always come too late
I often think that we were born to wait
Get up and see frustration in my eyes
We are Leo's!!!

There are seagulls round the light house in Mobil (in Mobil),
There are seagulls round the light house in Mobil (in Mobil),
There are seagulls round the light house,
And they use it as a shite-house
So the lighthouse is a whitehouse in Mobil!
In Mobil, in Mobil, 2, 3, 4,
In Mo, in Mo, in Mobil,
There are seagulls round the light house
And they use it as a shite-house
So the lighthouse is a whitehouse in Mobil!

There was a man called Hunt in Mobil,
And he thought he had a cunt,
But his arse was back to front in Mobil.

There was a man called Best in Mobil,
And he though he had a chest,
But his balls were on his breast in Mobil.

There's a shortage of bogpaper in Mobil,
So they wait until it's vapour,
And then light it with a taper in Mobil.

There's a shortage of good bogs in Mobil,
So they wait until it clogs,
And then chop it into logs in Mobil.

The vicar is a bugger in Mobil,
And the curate is another,
So they buggaer oneanother in Mobil.

Oh, my husband's a jockey, a jockey, a jockey
A very fine jockey, is he
All day long he rides horses, rides horses, rides horses,
And when he comes home, he rides me!

Singing........
Drink a little bit,
Shag a little bit,
Follow your man (toot, toot!),
Follow your man, with your tits in your hands,
Singing........
Drink a little bit,
Shag a little bit,
Follow your man,
Follow your man all the way!

My husband's a joiner
Screws wood
Screws me!

chorus

Brickie: lays bricks: lays me!
Postie: licks stamps: licks me!
Farmer: forks straw: forks me!
Ironmonger: pokes fires: pokes me!
Baker: creams buns: creams me!
Butcher: porks sausages: porks me!
Lecturer: dictates: dicks me!
Secretary: facsimilies: fax me!
Dentist: fills teeth: fills me!
Nuclear physicist: splits atoms: splits me!
Taxidermist: stuffs animals: stuffs me!
Referee: blows whistles: blows me!
Diver: goes down: can't be bothered!
Student: fuck all: fucks me!
Astronaut: probes space: probes me!
Politician: screws you:: screws me!
Policeman: fucks crooks: fucks me!
Shelf-filler: humps boxes: humps me!
Rapist: rapes women: too tired!

God gave us rugby balls,
Just so that we would score
Hundreds of tries...
We are Leo Ladies,
Gorgeous and skilled, you see
Don't even try to come at me
Coz we always win!

No balls at all,
No balls at all,
She married a man with no balls at all.

O come you old drukards, lend ear to my tale,
This short little story will make you turn pale,
It's about a young lady, so pretty and small,
She married a man with no balls at all.

Full well she remembered the night they were wed,
She pulled back the sheets and they crept into bed,
She reached for his prick, so strange it was small,
She reached for his balls - he had no balls at all.

"Oh, mother, oh mother, pity my luck,
I've married a man who's unable to fuck,
His screwing is empty, his screwdriver small,
I've married a man with no balls at all".

Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he,
He called for his wife in the middle of the night,
And he called for his fiddlers three.
Now every fiddler, had a very fine fiddle,
And a very fine fiddle had he,
Fiddle diddle dee diddle dee, said the fiddlers,
What merry men are we,
There's none so fair as can compare,
With the girls of Leo's RFC.

Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he,
He called for his wife in the middle of the night,
And he called for his tailors three.
Now every fiddler, had a very fine needle,
And a very fine needle had he,
Stick it in and out, in and out, said the tailors,
Fiddle diddle dee diddle dee, said the fiddlers,
What merry men are we,
There's none so fair as can compare,
With the girls of Leo's RFC.

Old King Cole was a merry old soul,
And a merry old soul was he,
He called for his wife in the middle of the night,
And he called for his jugglers three.
Now every fiddler, had a two very fine balls,
And a two very fine balls had he,
Throw your balls in the air, said the jugglers,
Stick it in and out, in and out, said the tailors,
Fiddle diddle dee diddle dee, said the fiddlers,
What merry men are we,
There's none so fair as can compare,
With the girls of Leo's RFC.

The butcher had choppers:
Put it on the block, chop it off.

The barmaids had candles:
Pull it out, pull it out, pull it out.

The bcyclists had pedals:
Round and round, round and round.

The flortists has flutes:
Root diddly-oot-diddly-oot.

The painters had brushes:
Wop it up and down, up and down.

The horseman had saddles:
Ride it up and down, up and down.

The carpenters had hammers:
Bang away, bang away, bang away.

The surgeon had knives:
Cut it round the knob, make it throb.

The parsons had very great alarm:
Gooness, gracious me.

The fishermen had rods:
Mine is six feet long.

The huntsman had horns:
CWake up, in the morn, with a horn.

The coalmen had sacks:
Want it in the front, or the back?

Where hast tha been since I saw thee? (I saw thee?),
On Ilkley Moor bah't 'at?
Where hast tha been since I saw thee? (I saw thee?),
Where hast tha been since I saw thee? (Without tha's trousers on?),

On Ilkley Moor bah't 'at!
On Ilkley Moor bah't 'at!
On Ilkley Moor bah't 'at!

Thar's goin' t' catch tha death o' cauld, (death o' cauld),
On Ilkley Moor bah't 'at!
Thar's goin' t' catch tha death o' cauld, (death o' cauld),
Thar's goin' t' catch tha death o' cauld! (Without tha's trousers on?),

chorus

Then we shall 'ave to bury thee,

Then t'worms'll cum an' eat thee up,

Then ducks'll cum an' eat up t'worms,

Then we shall cum an' eat up ducks,

Then we shall all 'ave 'eten thee.

Three German officers crossed the line,
Parlez-vous,
Three German officers crossed the line,
Parlez-vous,
Three German officers crossed the line,
They f***ed the women, and drank the wine
Inky, pinky, parlez-vous.

They came across a wayside inn,
Shat on the mat and walked right in.

Oh Landlord have you a daughter fair,
Lily-white tits and golden hair?

At last they got her on a bed,
Shagged her 'til her cheeks were red.

And then they took her to a shed,
Shagged her 'til she was nearly dead.

They took her down a shady lane,
Shagged her back to life again.

They shagged her up, they shagged her down,
They shagged her right around the town.

They shagged her in, they shagged her out,
They shagged her up her waterspout.

Seven months went and all was well,
Eight months went and she started to swell.

Nine months went, she gave a grunt,
And a little white bastard popped out of her ****.

The little white bugger he grew and grew,
He shagged his mother and sister too.

The little white bugger he went to hell,
He shagged the devil and his wife as well!

Now this is number one, and the fun has just begun,

Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again!
Roll me over in the clover,
Roll me over, lay me down, and do it again!

Oh this is number two, and his hand is in my shoe.
Oh this is number three, and his hand is on my knee.
Oh this is number four, and we're rolling on the floor.
Oh this is number five, and the bee is in the hive.
Oh this is number six, and my hand is on his prick.
Oh this is number seven, and we're in our seventh heaven.
Oh this is number eight, and the nurse is at the gate.
Oh this is number nine, and the twins are doing fine.
Oh this is number ten, and we're at it once again.
Oh this is number eleven, and we start again from seven.
Oh this is number twleve, and in his pockets he must delve.
Oh this is number twenty, and I think we've both had plenty.
Oh this is number thirty, and now he's just being dirty.
Oh this is number forty, and what he's proposing is just naughty!

Rugby men
They play one
They all like it
Up the bum!

With a quick shag
Have a fag
Send the boys away
Womens rugby's what we play!

They play two: they can't get it up to screw!

chorus

They play three: the whole f**king team can't satisfy me!
They play four: they can't get it up to score!
They play five: they all think no foreplay's fine!
They play six: little boys, with little pricks!
They play seven: masturbation is their heaven!
They play eight: Brewers droop - a common trait!
They play nine: they all take it from behind!
They play ten: little boys who think they're men!

With a quick shag
Have a fag
Send the boys away
Womens rugby's here to stay!

Scrum down, bind on, ruck over and maul,
Get it out to the winger, hang onto the ball,
And when it's all over, we go to the pub,
'Cause we are the ruggers of Leo Ladies Club!

We are the forwards, as big as eight trucks,
We scrum down, we bind on, we win all the rucks,
As forwards we seldom have time to relax,
'Cause all our great moves are f**cked up by the backs!

chorus
We are the backs with the long sweeping strides,
We gain all the glory by scoring the tries,
We loop and we scissor and hell that ain't all,
'Cause when it's all over, we still have the ball!

chorus

Star Trekkin' across the Welshie hills,
Leo's girls on tour, looking for our thrills,
Star trekkin' across the Welshie hills,
Got to keep on drinking, show off our rugby skills!

There's Bangor on the horizon,
Horizon, horizon,
There's Bangor on the horizon,
Horizon now!

Chorus

We're rugby players, but not as you know it,
Not as you know it, not as you know it,
We're rugby players, but not as you know it,
Not as you know it, in Wales!

Chorus

And worse than that, we like to sing,
Like to sing, like to sing,
And worse than that, we like to sing,
Sing, sing, sing!

Chorus

We've come to drink, and rape and pillage,
Rape and pillage, rape and pillage,
We've come to drink, and rape and pillage,
Rape and pillage in Wales!

Chorus

You canna change a Leo's girl,
Leo's girl, Leo's girl,
You canna change a Leo's girl,
A Leo's girl in Wales!

Chorus

Oh, dear, what can the matter be?
Seven old ladies, locked in the lavatory,
They were there from Sunday to Saturday,
Nobody knew they were there!

They said they were going to have tea with the Vicar,
They went intogether, they thought it was quicker,
But the lavatory door was a bit of a sticker,
And the Vicar had tea all alone.

The first was the wife of a deacon of Dover,
And though she was known as a bit of a rover,
She liked it so much, she thought she'd stay over,
And nobody knew she was there!

The next old lady was old Mrs. Bickle,
She found herself in a desperate pickle,
Shut in a pay booth she hadn't a nickel,
And nobody knew she was there!

The next was the Bishop of Chichester's daughter,
Who went in to pass some superfluous water,
She pulled on the chain and the rising tide caught her,
And nobody knew she was there!

The next old lady was Abigail Humphrey,
Who settled inside to make herself comfy,
And then she found out she could not get her bum free,
And nobody knew she was there!

The next was a lady named Jennifer Trim,
She only sat down on a personal whim,
But she somehow got pinched twixt the cup and the brim,
And nobody knew she was there!

But another old lady was Mrs. McBligh,
Went in with a bottle of booze on the sly,
She jumped on the seat and fell in with a cry,
And nobody knew she was there!

I'm climbing up Sunshine Mountain,
Where the wild winds blow (blow, blow, blow)
I'm climbing up Sunshine Mountain,
Faces all aglow!
Turn your back on sorrow,
And reach up to the sky! (High)
I'm climbing up Sunshine Mountain,
You and I, You and I!

We're climbing up Sunshine Mountain,
Where the wild winds blow (blow, blow, blow)
We're climbing up Sunshine Mountain,
Faces all aglow!
Turn your back on sorrow,
And reach up to the sky! (High)
We're climbing up Sunshine Mountain,
You and I, You and I!

We're climbing down Sunshine Mountain,
Where the wild winds blow (blow, blow, blow)
We're climbing down Sunshine Mountain,
Faces all aglow!
Turn your back on sorrow,
And reach up to the sky! (High)
We're climbing down Sunshine Mountain,
You and I, You and I!

You can tell by my smell, that I'm not feeling well,
When the time of the month comes around.
You can tell by my smell, that I'm not feeling well,
When the time of the month comes around.

Oh, we are the girls from the Tampax Factory,
SHOUT We'rer orders loud and clear (loud and clear),
We've got small, medium, large, super duper, fill-a-barge,
When the time of the month comes around!

You can tell by my stench, that I've got a gammy trench,
When the time of the month comes around.
(Repeat)

chorus

You can tell by my string, that you won't be doing a thing,
When the time of the month comes around.
(Repeat)

chorus

You can tell by my sheet, that you won't be giving meat,
When the time of the month comes around.
(Repeat)

chorus

You can tell by my rope, that you haven't got a hope,
When the time of the month comes around.
(Repeat)

chorus

You can tell by my frown, that you won't be going down,
When the time of the month comes around.
(Repeat)

chorus

You can tell by my whinge, that I've got a sticky minge,
When the time of the month comes around.
(Repeat)

chorus

You can tell by my taste, that it isn't salmon paste,
When the time of the month comes around.
(Repeat)

chorus

You can tell by my moaning, that I'm losing haemoglobin,
When the time of the month comes around.
(Repeat)

chorus

You can tell by my feel, that I'm starting to congeal,
When the time of the month comes around.
(Repeat)

chorus

You can tell by her reek, that it must be Dawson's Creek!
When the time of the month comes around.
(Repeat)

chorus

There was a young man of St James
Who indulged in the jolliest of games
He lighted the rim, of his grandmother's quim
And laughed as she p*ssed through the flames

That was a terrible song
Sing us another one,
just like the other one
sing us another one do

There was a young man named Adair
Who was f***ing a girl on the stair
The bannister broke, and by doubling his stroke
He finished her off in mid air

chorus

There was a young man from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
Great tufts of grass, sprouted from his ass
And his bollocks were covered in weeds

chorus

There was a young man of high station
Who was found by a pious relation
Making love in a ditch, to - I won't say a bitch -
But a woman of no reputation

chorus

A policeman from near Clapham Junction
Had a penis that just wouldn't function
For the rest of his life, he misled his wife
With some snot on the end of his truncheon

chorus

There was a young girl from Cape Cod
Who thought that all babes came from God
It wasn't the Almighty who lifted her nightie
It was Roger the lodger the sod

chorus

An insatiable nymph from Penzance
Travelled by bus to south Hant
Five others f***ed her, besides the conductor
And the driver came twice in his pants

chorus

There was a young maid from Mobile
Whose c*** was made of blue steel
She got her thrills from pneumatic drills
And off-centred emery wheels

chorus

There was a young Scot from Delray
Who buggered his father one day
Saying I like it rather, to stuff it up father
He’s clean and there’s nothing to pay!

An engineer told me before he died,
Ah-rum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
An engineer told me before he died,
And I've no reason to believe he lied.
Ah-rum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,
Ah-rum, titty-bum, titty-bum, titty-bum,

He knew a girl with a **** so wide,
Ah-rum..........etc.
He knew a girl with a **** so wide,
That she was never satisfied,
Ah-rum..........etc.

So he built a bloody great wheel,
Ah-rum..........etc.
So he built a bloody great wheel,
With two brass balls and a prick of steel.
Ah-rum..........etc.

The two brass balls he filled with cream,
And the whole f**king lot was powered by steam.

He put the girl upon the bed,
And tied her legs behind her head

There she lay waiting for a f**k,
He shook her hand and wished her luck.

In and out went the prick of steel,
Up and out went the level of steam.

Enough, enough, the maiden cried,
Enough, enough, I'm satisfied.

Now we come to the tragic bit,
There was no way of stopping it.

She was split from arse to tit,
And the whole f**king lot was covered in shit.

It jumped off her, it jumped on him,
And then it buggered their next of kin.

Nine months later a child was born,
With two brass balls and a bloody great horn.

It jumped onto an uptown bus,
And the mess it made caused quite a fuss.

The last time, Sir, that prick was seen
It was down in London f**king the Queen.

There is a moral to the story I tell,
If you see it coming - RUN LIKE HELL!!

The Mayor of Bayswater
He had a pretty daughter

And the hairs on her dicky-die-doe
The hairs on her dicky-die-doe, the hairs on her dicky-die-doe,
Hang down to her knee
One black one, one white one and one with a bit of sh*te on
And one with a fairy light on
To show them the way

I've seen it, I've felt it
It's just like a bit of velvet

chorus

It took a welsh miner
To find her vagina

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If she were my daughter
I'd have them cut off shorter

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She married a Spaniard
With a p***k like a f*king lanyard

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She married an Italian
With balls like a f**king stallion

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She divorced the Italian
And married the f**king stallion

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I used to work in Chicago
In the old department store.
I used to work in Chicago,
I don't work there anymore.

A woman came in for a hammer,
A hammer from the store.
A hammer she wanted, nailed she got,
I don't work there anymore.

chorus

A woman came in for some nails,
Nails from the store.
Nails she wanted, screwed she got,
I don't work there anymore.

chorus

Some meat… sausage
A hammer… banged
A carpet… shagged
Some beef… porked
A camel… humped
A helicopter… chopper
A KitKat… four fingers
A back door... rear-entry
etc.

The Lady of the Manor,
Was dressing for the ball,
When she saw a gypsy tinker
Pissing up against the wall.

With his bloody great kidney wiper
And his balls the size of three,
And a yard-and-a half of foreskin,
Hanging down below his knee.

The Lady wrote a letter,
And in it she did say
"I'd rather be f**ked by you sir,
Than by his Lordship any day."

chorus

The tinker got the letter,
And when it he did read,
His balls began to fester,
And his prick began to bleed.

chorus

He mounted on his donkey,
And to the Manor he did ride,
With his prick over his shoulder,
And his balls on either side.

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He f**ked her in the parlour,
He f**ked her in the hall,
The butler cried "My God Sir,
He's come to f**k us all!"

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There was a man in brown (repeat)
He got my knickers down (repeat)
There was a man in brown (repeat)
He got my knickers down (repeat).

Singing ay-o, ay-o (repeat)
ay-o, ay-o, ay-o, ay-o (repeat)
ay-o, ay-o (repeat)
ay-o, ay-o, ay-o, ay-o! (repeat)

There was a man in pink (repeat)
I really made his fingers stink (repeat).

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There was a man in maroon (repeat)
All we did was spoon (repeat).

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There was a man in white (repeat)
His dick was good, his breath was shite (repeat).

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There was a man in rags (repeat)
He was a fucking good shag (repeat).

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There was a man in glitter (repeat)
Who liked to take it up the shitter (repeat).

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There was a man in check (repeat)
I broke his fucking neck (repeat)!

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Beastiality's best, boys
Beastiality's best
Beastiality's best boys
Beastiality's best

Split the tw*t of a rat, .....
Intercourse with a horse, .....
Put your pole in a vole, .....
Sixty-nine with a swine, .....
Put your log in a frog, .....
Put your tool up a mule, .....
Spray your sperm in a worm, .....
Sodomy with a bee, .....
Shoot your load with a toad, .....

On the 1st day of Xmas my true love sent to me ...
A vibrator, with a battery.

2nd day - 2 pairs of boots
3rd day - 3 french snogs
4th day - 4 gilbert balls
5th day - 5 opposition girls- to torture
6th day - 6 pints of Carling
7th day - 7 sperm a swimming
8th day - 8 blokes a wanking
9th day - 9 sexy strippers
10th day - 10 green chartreuses
11th day - 11 divas diving
12th day - 12 Leo's girls spewing

Virginity........
It's not all it's cracked up to be,
There's a ten-inch hanging over me
Oh, I believe in virginity.

Losing it........
I never thought that it would fit,
Now it hurts me when I try to sit
Oh, I believe in losing it.

chorus
Why he had to come
I don't know - he wouldn't say,
I said, "Something wrong?",
Now I long for birth control.

Birth control........
It's the only way to save your soul,
When he's climbing into your big hole
Oh, I believe in birth control.

Pregnancy........
There's a baby growing inside of me,
I never thought that it would happen to me
Oh, I believe in pregnancy.

Syphillis........
How the f**king hell did I get this?
Feels like needles running through my piss
Oh, I believe in syphillis.

Ghonorea........
I thought he only put it in my ear,
Now I have to go and have a smear
Oh, I believe in ghonorea.

Circumcision........
Now his pricks got unrestricted vision,
No more skin to hinder sperm emission
Oh, I believe in circumcision.

Incestry........
My brother only sat upon my knee,
Then he came up all inside of me
Oh, I believe in incestry.

Leprosy........
Arms and legs falling off of me,
I'm not half the girl I used to be
Oh, I believe in leprosy.

Why was she born so beautiful?
Why was she born at all?
She's no fucking use to anyone,
She's no fucking use at all!

She ought to be publicly shat on,
She ought to be publicly shot!
She ought to be left in a public urinal
And left there to fucking well rot!

I saw the white of her eyes as I looked at her panties
I saw the crystalline juice from last night, on her pubes
She was my Granny
Distended fanny, and wasted fallopian tubes

My, my, my, my Granny
Why, why, why, my Granny?
84, an octogenrian whore
Forgive me, my Granny I just couldn't take any more!

Chomping away on his tool night and day, she was laughing
With his meat in her gums, she was content,
Then she got lockjaw
He put his hands round her neck and she sucked no more

chorus

I've played the wild rover for many a year
And I spent all my money on condoms and beer,
And now I'm returning with gold in great store
And I never will play the wild rover no more.

And it's no, nay, never (right up your ****),
No nay never no more,
Will I play the wild rover
No never no more.

I went to an whore-house I used to frequent
And I told the landlady my money was spent.
I asked for employment, she answered me "yeah"
And told me to start on the very next day.

chorus

So into my room, so many men came,
I went home much later feeling quite lame.
They offered me quick fucks. Orgasms galore.
I charged each a fiver 'COS I AM A WHORE!

chorus

I once met a man, his name was John Dent,
And he told me quite frankly his penis was bent,
I said 'oh my dear, you're all out of luck,
If you ain't got a straight one you don't get a f**k!'

chorus

I've been a wild pervert for many a year,
And I've spent all my money on black leather gear.
And now I'm returning with porn in great store,
And never will I play the wild rover no more.

chorus